How can you tell that youre getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how hes feeling. "Ive never been better!" he replies. "Ive got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! Whatdo you think about that?"The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whos an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day hes in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.""So hes in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.""Thats impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said."Exactly."
Fred: I havent slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Whys that? Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldnt walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.
"Grandma, why dont you drink tea anymore?" "I dont like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat."
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldnt resist asking the doctor, "Do you think Ill live to be 80?"The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?""Oh no," Edgar replied, "Ive never done either."Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"Edgar said, "No, Ive heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked."No, I dont," Edgar replied.Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?""No," Edgar said, "I dont do any of those things."The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now dont get mad at me... I know weve been friends for a long time, but I just cant remember your name. Ive thought and thought, but I cant recall it. Please tell me what your name is."Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
Do you think my skin is starting to show its age?""I cant tell. There are too many wrinkles."
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Shes 97 today and we dont know where the hell she is.
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!"