Language Trends of the FutureThere are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and inall likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in thefuture.In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. Allconsonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leavingonly an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred fromfacial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrateto Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all othervocabularies, but the spelling will be original.Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all otheralphabets in the world.The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latinalphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translatingRussian into Polish.Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plusa verb at the end, of course.[From Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com]

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.""The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

Chinese SubtitlesFrom a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiledby Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet inthe Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June1996.I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.Gun wounds again?Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!You daring lousy guy.Beat him out of recognizable shape!I have been scared shitless too much lately.I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.How can you use my intestines as a gift?The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle EastAKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe. Regards, MPAGE@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca BCSC / DNS

The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:Can I help you?Kin ah hip ewe?Hi, I'm Don Fowler.Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i.For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics andBubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement inBubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.I axed you a question, sukka.Ah be smaht.I be smarts now.Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school.And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.

Sorry Texans....A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned tohis office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of hiscoyotes was caught in a trap."How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma gamewarden."Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off threeof his legs and he's still trapped!"

Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The twoin the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned -they couldn't get the tailgate open!

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a smalltown. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use herposition to try to influence the new student. She asks theclass, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washingtonwas the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Fatherof our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a goodanswer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I thinkAbraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because hefreed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that'sanother good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I thinkJesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." Theteacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up tothe front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as heis licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it'sMoses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?He enters a duck.How can you tell if a Pole is present? He bets money on the duck.How can you tell if an Italian is present?The duck wins.