Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.

Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he’s a hardened criminal.

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

What’s another word for a murderer who kills old ladies? A Killergran.

Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face. “Where have you been?” demanded the worried look out. “The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn’t find the soap and a towel.”

The criminal mastermind found one of his gang sawing the legs off his bed. “What are you doing that for?” demanded the crook boss. “Only doing what you ordered,” said the stupid thug. “You told me to lie low for a bit!”

Why was the robber bionic? He was holding up a bank.

“Dad,” said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. “I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow.” “OK, son,” said his dad, “I’ll get you the cash when the bank closes.”

A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, “This is a muck up!” “Don’t you mean a stick up?” asked the girl. “No,” said the robber, “it’s a muckup. I’ve forgotten my gun.”

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. “There’s a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning.” “Who shall I call,” her husband asked, “police or ambulance?”