A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.14. Bad cop. No donut.13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?9. I pay your salary8. So uh, you on the take or what?7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.Just look at our cars.There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.This must be a sign from God!"Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.This must surely be a sign from God!"The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!Here's another miracle!My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."The priest nods in agreement.The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?