"Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
Doctor says "you're kidding."
Girl says "no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???"
Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is afailic symbol!"
Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"
Dear John Doe,We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product.
A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken.
We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.
Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC
P.S. Remember our slogans:Cover your stump before you hump.Don't be silly, protect your Willie.Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!'
Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Same again?" asks the barman.
"Okay" says the man and downs the second. He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.
"Do you want another?" asks the barman.
"No I don't think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste I don't think that another one will!"
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !
Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excruciating pain."Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was.
The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?"
"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
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