What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "Its gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.""I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.""For Gods sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I wont feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "Thats his problem."

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny."He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your childs name is Brandy."At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, lets go home."

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I cant make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Whats the difference between a psychologist and a magician?A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but Ive never seen so many Freudians slips."

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?Because when its time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

In a psychiatrists waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"The second answers, "Im Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that youre Napoleon?"The second responds, "God told me I was."At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDNT!"