A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear."What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lotsof friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"

A Short History of MedicineI have an earache...2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Oprectomy KENMORE HOSPITAL 61 COMMONWEALTH AVE. BOSTON, MA. 02115 DATE:____________NAME:ADDRESS:Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of thisextremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connectsyour eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shittyoutlook on life. Sincerely, J. Grabber, M.D. Kenmore Hospital

Proctologists Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not "mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing. Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is taken, I'll start at the other end." Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor. After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash- ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc, I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he's one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political convention. Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve people's concept of these doctors of the down under. o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica- tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have their fingernails removed. o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort. o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like: "Let our fingers do the walking." "We'll bend over backwards for you." "Please, take my seat." "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning." "It looks like the End."o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers like: "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar." "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you." "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!" "Yes, I see a family resemblance." "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low." "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..." "Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let's do a dry run." "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet." "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove." "How long have you had this crack in your butt?" "I see you had pizza last night." "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?" "Ah, you must be gay." "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?" "Ooops, I think I lost my watch." "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!" "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill." "Gee, I hope I can get this out." "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?" "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"Jack KolbDept. of English, UCLAkolb@ucla.edu

Psychiatric HotlineIf you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly awasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough,she panics.The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coaton her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then hemakes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examiningher, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps sohe says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it outby putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as hefeels the wasp.And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife'sscreaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the generalpanic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor sayshe'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, sothe doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on andinstantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug thewife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues withvigour.The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To whichthe doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown thebastard!!!

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."

A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS." The doctor replies, "Are you gay?" The man answers "yes." The doctor says, "I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice.Take ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for a couple of hours. When you wake up your problem will be solved." The man answers, "Will that cure my AIDS?" The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass hole is really for!"