A highly successful young executive received a promotion and decided to reward himself with a new car.



When the dignified, dapper and impeccably groomed businessman arrived at the Mercedes Benz showroom, the salesman looked at his expensive suit and shoes and suggested the Executive Model.



“Yes, I like it” said the executive, after looking it over. “I’ll take it today. I have a business conference in another state. I have just been made vice president of finance.”



“But sir!” said the salesman. “We can give you so many accessories and extra options! I’m sure it is worth waiting a few days. After all, CARS have personalities! We do our best to match the CAR to the DRIVER, sir! This car has only the basics! I CANNOT sell it to you without the all of the fine..."



“No, no” said the executive quickly. “I like the car as simple as possible. Nothing extra. I insist! ONLY THE BASICS! NOTHING! And PLEASE do not argue with me!”



“Very well, sir” said the salesman, but he shook his head and sighed.



The executive drove out of the showroom and soon he was on the interstate.



He was enjoying the luxury of his new car, when, out of nowhere, he heard a voice – a mocking voice – but he was ALONE in the car!



“Are those Brooks Brothers shoes you’re wearing, pal?”



“Who said that?” the executive nearly hit the roof with surprise.



“I asked you a question…. I’ll bet those shoes cost five hundred dollars, huh? And are those SILK socks? Mighty fancy, mister high and mighty executive! A little TOO fancy for me!”



“They cost seven hundred – and yes they’re Brooks Brothers and yes these socks are silk. What am I DOING?! Am I losing my MIND?!” said the executive.



“Well get rid of ‘em - NOW. There no place for shoes and socks like those in HERE! You think you're special, don't you Pinstripes?!” said the voice.



“Who ARE you?” said the executive again.



“Mind your business. Get barefoot!” said the voice, growing in strength.



“I will NOT!” snapped the executive angrily. “Leave me alone! I…I AM going insane…I'm arguing with my CAR!"



"Yeah - well, you might you say YOU are MY DRIVER!" snapped the voice.



But the voice kept up the harangue for an hour, yelling and mocking so that the executive could hardly think or drive. He found himself in a losing battle...



“I am an executive. I am wearing a business suit! I am on my way to a conference…I HAVE to wear these shoes!” he cried, but the voice mocked and yelled.



"It looks like I'm gonna have to DRAG you off that high horse, Mister SUIT AND TIE! Even if you come off kicking and screaming" said the voice. And he continued with a barrage of insults.



Finally, after an hour, the beaten down, exhausted executive yelled: “I can't stand it anymore! You win! You want me to go barefoot? FINE! Then BARE FEET IT IS! Anything to SHUT YOU UP!”



And he untied and pulled off the brand new polished black captoe shoes that he had bought that week and had shined that morning, and then peeled off his silk socks. Without slowing down, he stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and threw them out the window on the highway.



"That's $750 that just went out the window! Are you satisfied?!" yelled the executive.



"There!" said the voice. "Now don't you feel better without those stupid shoes on?" said the voice cheerfully.



"No!" said the executive angrily.



As he rested his bare foot on the accelerator, the voice said:



“Now let's talk about that necktie...

Hermes? Or is it Armani?"



"Oh no!!" whispered the executive. "Not again..."



"Well?" snarled the voice. "No fancy silk neckties in THIS car! And are those cufflinks?! With a monogram! And a Rolex?! And I'll bet you're wearing suspenders under that suit, huh? Well!"



"Yes" said the executive reluctantly. "YES! Why do you CARE?"



"You think you can dress like THAT in this car?! I think NOT! Now get that necktie off. NOW! NOW!"



The harangue began again.



An hour later, the window opened, and one by one, the desperate and bewildered executive threw out his $150 tie and the matching pocket square, his monogrammed cufflinks, his braces, his Rolex and his tiepin.



“And is that a cashmere overcoat in the back seat? With a silk scarf? And what about the briefcase?!”



“No! No!” cried the executive. “Why are you doing this to me?! Let me alone!” But soon, the overcoat and scarf were thrown out on the highway, followed by the $1500 briefcase, which opened, throwing papers everywhere.



For a moment there was silence - then:



“Now for that nice, dapper pinstriped BUSINESS SUIT you’ve got on, Mister Big Shot Corporate High Flyer!" said the voice.



“Oh, no” gasped the executive. “Not my SUIT! This was made for me in London by Savile Row! It cost $2,500!!”



“Well, and who do you think YOU are?!” said the voice in disgust. “That smart suit has to GO! No suits in this car. Period. Never. And that white shirt. Is it starched. And the underwear – desiger shorts I’ll bet! Everything has to go! Lose those spiffy PINSTRIPES!! NOW, Mister Hotshot!”



The harangue went as the executive begged. Finally, he saw a barefoot derelict along the highway. He pulled over and called out to him: “Will you swap my suit and shirt for your clothes.”



Within minutes the shaking and frightened executive was wearing the rags of a bum.



"OK!" said the voice. "Quit that high-paying, high-class job and sell your condo and your stocks...and no arguments!"



"Quit my job!" said the executive. "Please...I just got a promotion."



"And give away all those fancy suits and ties and shoes you have back in your closet. And don't tell me you don't! I KNOW the TYPE! Call a charity NOW! Give them everything! Even the tuxedo and the patent leather pumps you were going to wear to the corporate black-tie dinner!"



"How...how did you know...." gasped the executive.



The executive, now a broken man, barely kept his hands on the wheel as the voice yelled and bullied him to come down off his high horse. He called his office and told his stunned boss he was quitting. Then he sold all of his assets and gave the money away. Then he gave away all his clothes.



"Fine!" snapped the voice. "Hey! There's a KMart! Go in and buy a sixpack of white socks and three pairs of overalls. Get movin'!"



The stunned executive followed those instructions.



"There's a help wanted sign! Get yourself a job as a garbageman, and make it snappy!" said the voice sharply.



"A garbageman! Me...." Exhausted, disoriented and stunned, the executive took a job as a garbageman.



Two months later, the former exec arrived at the Mercedes showroom to return the car because he could not afford the payments.



The salesman did not look surprised when he saw the formerly dignified, confident and impeccably groomed executive reduced to collecting trash and dressed in overalls, and he showed no surprise when he heard the strange story.



“What did you expect? I TRIED to warn you! Look at the name of the MODEL you bought!"



And the garbageman looked at the bill of sale: "Mercedes Benz - STRIPPED-DOWN EXECUTIVE MODEL"

• Spotted in a toilet of an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW



• In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY

PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



• In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT

AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



• Seen at a notice board:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,

THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTRE ON THE FIRST FLOOR



• On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)



• Outside a shop selling secondhand items:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team

now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen

for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals

promise not to trouble the other employees.



Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very

hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has

disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The

cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss

has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you

idiots ate the developer?"



One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of

the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team

leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything,

and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please

don't eat a person who is working."

To, Priya

Sub: Offer of love!



Dearest Ms prey,



I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since

the 14th of October (Saturday).



With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.



I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving his letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your other friends (girls), if you do not wish to take up this offer.



Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

Xyz

HR Manager

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"



The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."



The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?"



The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"



And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
  
  started to dig."



• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
  
  



• "I would not allow this employee to breed."



• "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
  
  definitely won't be."



• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
  
  trap."



• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."



• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."



• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
  
  them."



• "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."



• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Tony was a young auditor who worked or a big four firm in the city. He was good at his work and smart at figures. However, there was one thing that made his audit senior mad at him - Tony would fall asleep at a moment notice. Many times, his senior would catch him napping in the office at his desk. All the written warnings and threats had little effect because Tony still took time to sleep for half an hour when his colleagues would be on work out of the office.

One day, the audit senior decided to take a different approach. At the appropriate time, he went to the office where Tony worked and stepped silently in. Sure enough, his subordinate was fast asleep with his feet up on his desk. The senior walked softly to the snoring auditor and, instead of startling him awake he did something else. Slowly and carefully, he slipped the sleeping man's shoes off his feet, wincing and pinching his nose at the smell of the young auditor's socks. Then, as slowly as he came in, he went out, taking the shoes with him.

When Tony woke up, he got the fright of his life - his shoes were gone and he could not remember taking them off. In vain he searched for his shiny city loafers; they were nowhere to be seen. When his office mate Charlie came back from the clients, he was still padding in his socks and ran behind his desk so his colleage would not see him wiothout his shoes. Charlie did not notice anything amiss except for a stale stink of feet in the room. By five in the evening, Tony was still without his shoes and when his boss called to tell his the office would be closing in five minutes, Tony was at his wit's end. How could he walk out of the office in his suit and tie, without his shoes - he would look stupid. With hesitation, he walked stealthily out of the room and ran down the corridor to the elevator. Luckily for him, all the other employees had left and he reach the car park without meeting anyone. He walked to his car in the shadows and drove home with his heart thumping. That was close!!

Next morning, Tony went in to his senior's office to be given the day's assignment. The senior did not say much but made a remark about Tony's new shoes. Back in his office, Tony found his 'lost' shoes under his desk and realised what had happened - and he made it a point not to sleep at his desk again; at least not as often as he used to!!

Mr. Shonu had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. 'Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,' he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, 'Blame your predecessor.' The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, 'Reorganize.' This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, 'Prepare three envelopes.'