Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.JUDGE: To what?DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.PROSECUTION: The people do not.DEFENSE: Do too.PROSECUTION: Do not.DEFENSE: Do too.DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.PROSECUTION: Where were we?JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey. (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this courtroom!BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving. The people request permission to stick him with a pin.JUDGE: I'll allow it.F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssssJUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat- able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV show!JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.DEFENSE: Which one?JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your book advance.EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is $350,000.PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us.PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis- sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be played by Demi Moore?PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?EXPERT WITNESS: I am.PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this way, or the way the people wore it before?EXPERT WITNESS: This way.JUDGE: What about my beard?EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more impressive facial hair on a coconut.(Laughter.)JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you identify this item for the court?EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging to the defendant.DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either way.PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert words, what "DNA" stands for?EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or poppy seed at the scene of the...EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!(Another murmer runs through the court.)GUN: BANG!BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National Enquirer.JUDGE: I'll allow it.PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.JUDGE: Of course.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we cannot...JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated! If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied. "Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"

A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"

Guilty Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."