Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!The very angry looking Genie said, "All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!" The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it wou ld take for the highway? No Im sorry, it just cant happen." The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women." The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We dont have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailors son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?""Its very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- freshwater or sea water? The cruise director answered,"Sea water." "Oh, that explains why its so roughtoday."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "Ive just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. Well check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?""Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath."

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just cant do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work."Its just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and Ill have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."His friends at work agree: "Why dont you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."He looks at them, stunned: "You know, youre probably right, but I just cant give up the glamour of show business!"

Two guys are talking:(1) - Ive bought a tour to my mother-in-law.(2) - Your mother-in-law???!!!(1) - Why not, to Bagdad.

A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"