A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said Im sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, thats him," he replied. The stranger couldnt help but be amused. "That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me Im tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner.He found the owner and said "Id like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you dont want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "Illl give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar its never won a race in its life!"

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please dont be like that, Im trained and I wont cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and its owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "Its ok hes gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK hes never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having its wicked way with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "Youve had me worried sick, whats the matter with you youve never dissapeared like this before!" The dog replied "Ive never had a fiver before!"

Q: Why is a dogs nose in the middle of its face? - A: Because its the scenter.

Q: Whens the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind dates door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "Ill be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why dont you play with Rollo while youre waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, hell jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Pauls date walked out. "Isnt Rollo the cutest, happiest dog youve ever seen?" "To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A: Because you cant bury them in the sky!

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Hes not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."