Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:"Im going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month."

To which the womans about-to-be ex replied: "Thats mighty kind of you, judge. Ill try to help her all I can, too."

Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."

"Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I dont want a divorce," she replied. "Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me!"

Regardless of what you may hear, theres still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,they keep the house.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife wont give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

When she had finished, the husbands lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed bored."

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is I have a headache and the other story is its that time of the month."

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?

When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.