Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, Id really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man youre planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.Apparently, just to anger him.

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "were going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are eve rywhere."

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you dont want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith.The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown.The geek passes out. The big guy fans him and brings him too. Why did you pass out he asked? The geek replies, what did you say your name was? Turner Brown he replies. Oh God the geek says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".

Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now hes a hardened criminal.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, Gosh, Id really like to help you but counter fitting is what go t me into prison in the first place.

It was Rockys first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were intheir cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with hismeager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of hiscell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block eruptedinto laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. Athird voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.Rocky didnt know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall."Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door."Whats going on, here?" asked Rocky."Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library theres only onejoke book. Weve all read the book so many times that we dont waste timetelling the joke, we just call out its number."So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found r theyellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night,wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" andeveryone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were pealsof laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing.More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah,waddaya want?" asked the other inmate."I dont understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill still laughing?""Well," said the gruff inmate, "He never heard that one before!"

Whats another word for a murderer who kills old ladies? A Killergran.

The criminal mastermind found one of his gang sawing the legs off his bed. "What are you doing that for?" demanded the crook boss. "Only doing what you ordered," said the stupid thug. "You told me to lie low for a bit!"